BikeMaster
June 19th, 2005, 05:42 PM
7 Types of Sex (humor)
>
> SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
>
> Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
> "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
> "Social Security sex?"
> "Yeah, you know:
> I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> LOUD SEX:
>
> A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor.
> Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
> splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
> natural. I don't see
> what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me
up!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> QUIET SEX:
>
> Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
> during a recent lovemaking session,
> "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
> She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> CONFOUNDED SEX
>
> A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
> from
> his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back
> his
> manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was
> considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
> "small," $6,500
> for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
> The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged
him
> to
> talk it over with his wife before he made any decision
> The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
> The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
> dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
> The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
>
> A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding
> anniversary.
> The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
> 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
> "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
> Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> NO SEX
>
> My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make
you
> happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted it
> all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> OLD SEX
>
> One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year
old
> husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up
pushing
> him
> off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment ...killing
him
> instantly. Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge
asked
> her
> if she had anything to say in her defense.
> She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could
have
> sex...he could fly."
>
> SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
>
> Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
> "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
> "Social Security sex?"
> "Yeah, you know:
> I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> LOUD SEX:
>
> A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor.
> Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
> splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
> natural. I don't see
> what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me
up!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> QUIET SEX:
>
> Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
> during a recent lovemaking session,
> "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
> She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> CONFOUNDED SEX
>
> A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
> from
> his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back
> his
> manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was
> considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
> "small," $6,500
> for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
> The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged
him
> to
> talk it over with his wife before he made any decision
> The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
> The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
> dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
> The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
>
> A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding
> anniversary.
> The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
> 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
> "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
> Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> NO SEX
>
> My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make
you
> happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted it
> all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> OLD SEX
>
> One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year
old
> husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up
pushing
> him
> off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment ...killing
him
> instantly. Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge
asked
> her
> if she had anything to say in her defense.
> She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could
have
> sex...he could fly."