BikeMaster
February 2nd, 2008, 01:25 AM
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for
water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little
old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties
laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some
water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a
tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll
tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice
restaurant owned by my brother. Walk that way, he'll give you all
the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and
eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4
miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it alright. He wouldn't let me in
without a tie."
##################################
Pick-up Line Put-Downs
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest
dreams.
#############################
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with
murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
>From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man, all
the while banging his gavel. He turns to the defendant again and
says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a
shovel."
"You damned tightwad!" blurted the spectator again.
"Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more bangs of his gavel,
and then continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman
with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge
thunders back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts
right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answers, "I've lived next to that lying bastard for
ten years now, but do you think he ever had any tools when I
needed to borrow one!"
##########################
This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says
she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new
drink she wants him to try. She gets back to the table and has
two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a
shot of lime juice.
She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it
in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little
dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when
she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.
First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and
forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his
mouth.
Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's.
After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his
mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime
juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to
swallow the mess.
With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks,
"Why did you give me such a God-awful combination?"
She whispers in his ear....
"It's called Blowjob revenge"
water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little
old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties
laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some
water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a
tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll
tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice
restaurant owned by my brother. Walk that way, he'll give you all
the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and
eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4
miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it alright. He wouldn't let me in
without a tie."
##################################
Pick-up Line Put-Downs
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest
dreams.
#############################
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with
murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
>From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man, all
the while banging his gavel. He turns to the defendant again and
says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a
shovel."
"You damned tightwad!" blurted the spectator again.
"Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more bangs of his gavel,
and then continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman
with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge
thunders back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts
right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answers, "I've lived next to that lying bastard for
ten years now, but do you think he ever had any tools when I
needed to borrow one!"
##########################
This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says
she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new
drink she wants him to try. She gets back to the table and has
two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a
shot of lime juice.
She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it
in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little
dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when
she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.
First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and
forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his
mouth.
Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's.
After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his
mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime
juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to
swallow the mess.
With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks,
"Why did you give me such a God-awful combination?"
She whispers in his ear....
"It's called Blowjob revenge"