jokes

[curve/ahead]

Negotiations


A guy's sitting in a bar talking to a well endowed woman.

"Would you sleep with me one time if I gave you a big mansion and a hundred thousand dollars?"

"I guess so."

"How about if I gave you twenty dollars?"

"What kind of woman do you think I am?", she asked icily.

"I think we've already established that. Now we're negotiating."

[curve/ahead]

Talking Long Distance Sex

Husband says to wife "Let's try the missionary position."
Wife replies "OK , What do we do then?"
Husband says " I will stay here and you f*ck off to Africa."

[curve/ahead]

divorce court
A man and his young wife were in divorce court,
but custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.

The man wanted custody of his children,
so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar into a vending Machine and a Coke pops out,
does the coke belong to me or the machine?"

[curve/ahead]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine

will probably never be able to support you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to

say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is

yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a

woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street with a bald head

and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(this one is priceless)

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[curve/ahead]

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

[curve/ahead]

You might be a member of the Taliban if...
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You’ve never been asked, “Does this burka make my butt look big?”

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. A common compliment is, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

1. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean


this is supposed to be a joke so dont get all emotional and shiit

[curve/ahead]

Forgive Your Enemies
The preacher’s Sunday sermon was, “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked all present how many had forgiven their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question,

Now about 80% held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

“Sister Odell, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any.”

“Sister Odell, that is very unusual. How old are you?’

“93”

“Sister Odell, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?’

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, “It’s easy, I just outlived all those bitches.”

[empreza555]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is

yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


loooool that one and the taliban's things are really funny and so are the rest but i like those,thanx!:lol:

[BLOODLINE]

love them ahhahahahahaha

thanks a lot bro!!

[curve/ahead]

anytime guys, glad u like em :afro:

[Interceptor]

:smilelol:
The old lady in the last one might be Tupac's mom!

[ZEX]

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."


:smilelol: wahahahahahaha this one is :devil3:

i'll pass by again :p

[THE REAPER]

thanx for the laugh

[NOS4EVER]

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.


wahaaaaaaa

[curve/ahead]

One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

Highly upset, she hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He regarded it for a moment and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

He said, "I don't know, but I definitely don't think you should spank him."
__________________

[curve/ahead]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached
him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "Bob............Bob Titsenbeer."

[curve/ahead]

There were 50 blondes in a pub celebrating. One of them goes up to the barman to order the drinks. The barman asks why the blondes are celebrating, to which she replies, " We have just finished a jigsaw puzzle"
The barman says, "Yeah, and ....?"
She replies. "Well, the box said three years plus , but we did it in two"

[curve/ahead]

Marriage Counsellor

Man and wife visit a Marriage counsellor. He asks them, "Ok, let's get started with something you have in common?"
The husband replies, "Neither of us like to suck c0ck"

[curve/ahead]

What is a 710?

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you' re not sure what a 710 is Click Here
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

[curve/ahead]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on thefloor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of thealphabet.' _________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherrytree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn'tpunish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers beforeeating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same asyour brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking whenpeople are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[Death666wish_]

What is a 710?

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you' re not sure what a 710 is Click Here
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
:smilelol:

[curve/ahead]

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I ??"
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
Bob replies, "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times......."

[curve/ahead]

A lady walks into a high-class jewelers shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesmen greets the lady with "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, I have to say that if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shiyt yourself when I tell you the price."

[curve/ahead]

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all

yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy





Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How

about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving

your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa



********************************************

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is

peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah





Dear Sarah,



Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa



*********************************************

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my

Mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy





Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a

hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid,

fat mom,who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let

me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family

with those?

Santa

**********************************************

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a

Drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis



Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots

For your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan



Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face

When riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim

Beam.

Santa

************************************************** ***

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making

toys?

Your friend,

Thomas



Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I

Give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas,

Where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by

Drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while

losing money at the craps table.

Santa

P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.

************************************************** *

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're

awake,like in the song?

Love,

Jessica



Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm

Skipping your house.

Santa

************************************************** ***

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE

could I have one?

Timmy



Timmy,

That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap

doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.

Santa

*************************************

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky



Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your

ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent,

ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all

the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

*************************************

[curve/ahead]

some serious ownage...hahaha

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger into his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger."
"Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[curve/ahead]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may split his sutures from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. But listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[curve/ahead]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

[curve/ahead]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someones stolen our tent!”

[FWB]

A lady walks into a high-class jewelers shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesmen greets the lady with "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, I have to say that if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shiyt yourself when I tell you the price."

wahahaha nice
Thanks for sharing bro!

[Night Crawler]

hilarious stuff i love the one with the coke machine

[curve/ahead]

^^^ hahaha yea it was pure genius!

anytime guys, glad u like em

[ZEX]

some serious ownage...hahaha

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger into his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger."
"Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."


wahahahahaahhaa :smilelol: :smilelol: :smilelol: :smilelol: :smilelol:

[Night Crawler]

are my testicles black??